i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
God I need to hump something, right now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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