And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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