Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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