make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
