Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
