The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
