Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
