You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
