I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
