woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
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I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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