So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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