I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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