i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
