Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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