Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
