Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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