my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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