i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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