Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i came on her dog
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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