By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
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This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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