I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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