Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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