They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
