I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
