so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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