i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
