So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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