she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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