That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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