My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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