Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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