Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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