the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
