Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
