oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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