mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
