so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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