Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
