My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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