the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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