And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
