The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
