I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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