Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
