I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
