mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
