He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
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I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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