hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
