After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
