my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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