I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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