is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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