I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
