You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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