Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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