Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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