Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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