I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
